


My Heart in Your Hands

by jimmykirks



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Pseudoscience, i'm a mess, jim ur a mess, spock ur a mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-05 17:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4188363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jimmykirks/pseuds/jimmykirks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I am terrified of the beat of my heart; the way it stops and starts with you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Heart in Your Hands

**Author's Note:**

> [ze/zir pronouns for the aliens]

**The Enterprise** was currently in orbit of Andrax; the Captain and Commander already on planet performing negotiations. When beaming down, they found that the Andraxi were more than eager to sign a peace treaty and become Federation citizens. They boasted Jim and Spock upon their accomplishments, and were honored to be among the “Golden Child” and the “Blessed One.” All in all, the mission was 100% successful, and it was honestly weirding Jim out. Things never went this easily.

“If I may, what’s this?” Spock watched as his captain bent over a glowing orb, its body sat securely within a pedestal as a focal point for the room.

The treaty signing had taken place in the relics temple, and Jim was endlessly curious about all the artifacts within its walls. One of the Andraxi leaders smiled, clicking its mandibles happily as ze walked to Jim’s side. The treaty signing had ended over twenty-three point six-two minutes ago and since then, the leaders had humored Jim by showing him the relics of their home world. 

“That, Golden Child, is the Oculus.” The leader practically purred as zir taloned hand hovered over the orb, the light emanating from it glowing brighter at the contact.

“Oculus?” Jim mouthed, body turned to face his first officer, a questioning look in his eyes.

“It is the seeing eye, Captain.” As Spock explained, the Andraxi leader motioned him toward Jim’s side “believed to see your heart’s deepest desires. A most treasured object of the Andraxi.”

“Why didn’t the mission report mention this?” Jim whispered, moving closer to his first officer, and farther away from the ominous glowing orb.

Raising an eyebrow, Spock intoned “as this is a most sacred relic of the Andraxi, it was only logical to assume that we would not be privy to its location.”

“Your Commander is correct, Golden Child. No outworlder has ever gazed into the Oculus. We offer its beauty and grace to you in a show of goodwill.”

Turning to Spock questionably, he answered Jim’s silent inquiry. “A most treasured gift, Captain.”

Something within Jim’s gut said that this was a bad idea, but as he watched the Andraxi leaders click their mandibles excitedly, he knew refusing would be out of the question.

“We accept.”

“Then by all means, Golden Child and Blessed One; step forward. Let the Oculus see into your hearts and grant you its wish.”

Taking a deep breath, Jim met Spock’s eyes as he reached a hand toward the orb. Their hands contacting the orb simultaneously, light shooting from its centers. Mesmerized, Jim watched the entire temple fill with flecks of light, miniscule stars orbiting around himself and Spock. Warmth infused his entire body, cradling him within the flecks of light. Somewhere in between the warm buzz he was currently riding on, he felt a hollow kick in his lower left side.

He never wanted this feeling to end. It was everything he had ever wanted. This warmth, this all encompassing love, respect, and adoration, he wanted to live in this moment forever. Closing his eyes to savor the sensation, he opened them to the sight of their lights dissipating, like embers dying on a fire. A smile on his lips, Jim turned to his first officer expecting to see Spock in the same blissed out state. The warm feeling turned scorching hot, racing through his system to be replaced with ice cold dread.

Dropping to his knees, Jim cradled Spock’s unconscious form. “Spock?” he was completely unresponsive, Jim shook his shoulder... Nothing.

“What did you do?” He didn’t recognize his voice as he spoke. He didn’t recognize his own hands trembling as they scraped across Spock’s uniform.

“We did nothing. The Oculus granted you the heart’s desire.”

How could he desire this? A universe without Spock wasn’t a universe at all. It was a dark void, a night without stars, a cold and empty shell.

Scrambling for his collar, Jim felt his blood go cold. “He isn’t breathing and I...”

This couldn’t happen. No, this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Spock was Vulcan; he was supposed to outlive him.

He cradled Spock’s face in his hands, eyes roaming over long dark lashes that graced high cheekbones. Spock looked peaceful and Jim hated it. He hated the utter stillness of Spock’s body. Hated how he couldn’t feel any life beneath the face he held. He hated that his own heart beat erratically in his chest and Spock’s wasn’t beating at all.

“I can’t find a pulse.”

“And you will never find one.” One of the Andraxi said.

“Now his heart beats only for you.”

Confusion rocked through his body. Tearing his eyes away from Spock’s motionless form, he dared not let himself hope, but he asked anyway.

“What do you mean?”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The instant they beamed aboard the Enterprise, Jim still holding Spock’s lifeless body in his arms, they were carted off to sickbay. It had been almost an hour and Spock still was out of it. The biobed he was put on made a horrible sound, telling the whole of sickbay that Spock’s heart had no beat. Leonard shut it off immediately.

Running a tricorder over Spock, Leonard assured Jim that the hobgoblin wasn’t that easy to get rid of. His heart may have been silent, but everything else seemed to be in working order. Jim let out a breath he hadn’t known he had been holding and sagged in the biobed opposite his unconscious first officer.

“Bones, tell me there’s something you can do.” Blue eyes pleaded with the doctor.

“I don’t know enough to be able to say, kid.” Leonard had seen his fair share of medical mysteries since taking his post as CMO, but this one took the cake. Leaving Spock’s side, he began to run a tricorder over his best friend, the furrow in his brow deepening.

“Jim, how do you feel?” There had to be something wrong with the tricorder, these readings were all over the place.

Blue eyes watched Leonard from behind dark lashes, “I’m fine Bones. It’s Spock you should be pestering, not me.”

Deftly dodging a second tricorder that had been pushed in his face, Jim hopped off the biobed to stand by his first officer’s bedside. For not the first time since they’d been beamed aboard, Jim wished Spock was awake. He needed his guidance in this. The strength and calm that Spock’s presence always brought. Looking at his first now only brought on a sense of foreboding.

Discarding the tricorder all together, Leonard pushed two fingers to the side of Jim’s neck. He hadn’t checked a pulse this way in ages, but damn technology was faulty. He was just starting to count beats when Jim jumped out from under his reach. Fine. If the kid wanted to play like that, he’d get out the truly ancient medical supplies.

“Sit down” he ground out, reaching into a few drawers and pulling out a stethoscope and blood pressure cuff.

Jim knew he couldn’t run from this forever, begrudgingly he sat back down on the unoccupied biobed.

“Blood pressure’s good, now let’s check the old ticker” Leonard said after a few moments, warming up the stethoscope again and pushing it under Jim’s shirt to get a better listen.

“Bones, this is ridiculous. I’m fi-“ Jim began, trying to push his friend away from him.

“Shh, shut up” Leonard felt his own heart race as he listened to the arrhythmia of Jim’s. It sounded like a damn rock concert in there. Jim’s heart was beating just fine, but beneath the sound of his heart was a steadfast beat of something else. Lowering the stethoscope a few inches, and placing two fingers at the pulse point on the inside of Jim’s wrist he listened again. Right where his liver should have been was the sound of a racing heart. Leonard had only ever heard a heartbeat like this in-.

“Doctor” a grated voice from behind made Leonard jump slightly. He looked over his shoulder to see Spock, sat up in his bed, eyes downright glaring a hole in the point of contact where Leonard’s fingers still sat on Jim’s wrist. Straightening up and letting his friend go, Leonard put the stethoscope on the bedside table.

“Good, you’re awake. How do you feel?” He tried not to notice how Spock continued to glare at him as he ran a tricorder over him. The readings were the same, no heartbeat, no pulse. Leonard turned back around to look at Jim who seemed to suddenly be enamored with the hem of his command shirt.

“Alright Jim, what happened?”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

**One hour earlier**

****

_He was still holding onto the immobile body of his first officer when the Andraxi leader sat down beside him. Tears threatened to spill out of his eyes as he unconsciously rubbed a thumb across high cheekbones._

_“When he awakens, he will belong to you and you alone. His heart will beat for only you.”_

_Shaking his head, Jim refused to believe what the leader was saying. Spock was gone, he had no pulse, his heart could never beat again._

_This confusion must have shown upon his face because a taloned hand curled around his. Guiding him to where Spock’s heart should have been fluttering away. The emptiness Jim felt caused a tremor to wrack his frame. Why were they doing this to him? Why couldn’t they let him grieve in peace? The hand grasped Jim’s tighter when he began to pull away, guiding him to his own left side. Beneath his fingertips he felt the fast pace of a Vulcan heart._

_“No.” he shook his head again, removing his hand from his side as if it burned him. “Reverse this, bring him back.”_

_“There is nothing to reverse Golden Child, he is as he was, and will always be.”_

_“No” Jim repeated, wiping a traitorous tear that had fallen from his eye._

_The leader just bowed its head, clasping taloned hands together “you desired it. The Oculus gave it.”_

 

* * *

 

  

 

He had Spock’s heart.The Andraxi confirmed it, the medical scan confirmed it, the fluttering in his side confirmed it… The way Spock continued to stare at him confirmed it. And he wanted none of it.

Bones had no sooner released him from sickbay than he was already rushing from the room. He couldn’t stand to look at Spock anymore, to know that he had done this. His heart pounded in his chest as he sped through empty corridors, Spock’s beating out an unfamiliar tune in his side.

Within the privacy of his quarters, he dropped to his knees. The Andraxi’s words reverberating through his mind “ _you desired it. The Oculus gave it.”_ He was stupid, so incredibly stupid! The Oculus, the ‘seeing eye’ meant to see your hearts deepest desires, what did he think it would do? Give him a puppy?

Pulling at his hair in frustration, he let out a silent cry. There was nothing he’d desired more than Spock. His attention, his respect, his guidance, his affection, his love, _his heart,_ and now he had it. A sort of hysterical laugh bubbled at his lips, he had to fix this. He didn’t want Spock’s heart this way. This was a sick and twisted medical nightmare.

With a dark train of thought, he settled into bed. Hoping that in sleep, he could dream up a solution or at least black out for several hours.

**Author's Note:**

> alright *claps hands* so this is my first fanfic and so far it's unfinished, but i'm posting it to try and give myself the push to write more... anyway i hope you like it cuz i'm totally excited to see where it goes :)


End file.
